Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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