I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
