i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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