I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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