i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
