I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
