A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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