she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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