The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
