i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
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