You can't special order awesome
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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