I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize