wrigley field is MILF paradise
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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