Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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