Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
