i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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