it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you would pick up someone in the library
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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