Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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