already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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