We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
