after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
