i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
