yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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