Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We were destined to go to rehab together
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
