he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
