Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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