Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
