My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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