Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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