So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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