I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
