My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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