I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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