lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
