Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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