Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize