I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
