the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
