and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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