Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
