definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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