i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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