so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
