Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
