I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
