There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
