It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
