a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
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Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
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You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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