dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
