Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
