its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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