Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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