please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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