I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
