Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
