9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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