WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
