I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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