quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
