have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
